Play the game to win… but actually win

 I can’t say that I intended to meet Seth, but he was a stray bullet.

It was the summer of 2009 and I was on my way to becoming a freshman in high school, and I was excited to be moving on from the hell that was middle school.

Moving around my whole life; since my mom was in the military, I never had real friends and it always seemed as if I was behind in a social sense. In 2008, I pleaded with my mom to go let me live with my dad. My parents never married so I rarely got to see him due to always moving all around the country with my mom. After months of begging and groveling, she accepted my choice and dropped me off with my dad and my grandmother.

By 2009, I had been in Philadelphia for almost a year, and I was excited to start fresh at a new school since I was horribly ostracized down south for being black at a predominately white school. Coming up north, I was ostracized for being the weird skinny girl from down south who “thought she was better than everyone”. It was obvious to me early on kids up north moved a lot faster than kids down south once speculation around my virginity made breaking news in middle school during my first week.

Though I came from predominantly white schools and other military families; to my surprise, it still was a culture shock being around people that looked like me but acted nothing like me. I went from an outwardly racist school that was clean with an advanced education system to a school where kids threw desks at teachers, set trashcans on fire, fought violently at lunch, had sex in the bathroom, and had hardly read 5 books in an entire school year. With no shame, I cried on my first day of school; actually, it was more like a mental breakdown and I counted down the days until I’d be arriving in high school. I thought to myself, anything is better than this hell hole.

I remember the first day of high school like yesterday.

After spending the whole weekend protecting my first day of school hair and picking out my outfits for the entire week, the big day came. Though I planned this whole week, as a Virgo would, I didn’t plan on being late. In middle school, I was never allowed to go to school alone once I started living with my dad and was always accompanied by him or my grandmother. They said it was to keep me safe but looking back I think it was also to scare off boys. My dad decided since I was now entering high school that he wanted to trust me traveling to and from school without a personal bodyguard. But he insisted on driving me to school for my first day to canvas the route, and to time how long it would take for me to get back and forth so there couldn’t be any space and time to be with a boy.

After meticulously styling my hair and perfecting my outfit, I looked in the mirror and took a deep breath, and thought, finally, my new start is here. Aggressively interrupting my moment, I hear my dad yelling from downstairs “Bring your ass on” and off I went.

My dad started up our old green soccer van with an awful paint job and rolled down the windows since the air conditioner didn’t work anymore. It being August in the north, the air outside was thick and humid, and I knew if we didn’t get moving my hair would be ruined. The more I seemed to rush my dad, the slower he went, and I became more and more mortified by the second. When we finally pulled off, I was relieved, but I knew we had about ten minutes until my hair went from cute and curled to an 80’s soul train afro. Every redlight made me lose hope but we finally arrived… so we thought.

My dad rushing said “Okay, get out and have a good day”, I looked past him and looked out his window, we had arrived at the wrong school. I froze peering at this unfamiliar building in fear and frustration. The excitement dwindled and trying to be mindful but also wanting to express my frustration, I fell back in my seat and said with a very even tone “Dad this isn’t my school”. My dad looked at the school and broke out into laughter, and with tears from laughter swelling in his eyes, he said “Wait, this isn’t your school”. My dad was never the type to take anyone’s feelings seriously, so I was unsure if he did this to be “funny” or if it was an honest mistake he found funny. I replied “No” still with an even tone. My dad was the kind of guy to use your frustration to ridicule you for even having feelings.

I handed him the flyer that was sent to our house for parents to read before our first day, by the look on his face, I could tell he had never read it. It had already taken us 20 minutes to get to the wrong school and my actual school was now 10 minutes back in the other direction. I looked at my hair in the side mirror and instantly my heart was broken. All I had now was a frizzed mess.

With the humid summer air mixed with the wind from the car window, minute by minute, my hair had frizzed into a fluff. Before getting out of the car, I stopped to fully assess the damage with my dad somehow still rushing me though he was only contributor to me being late. Looking at my hair in despair and the weight of the overwhelming feeling of disgust mixed with embarrassment, I did a little sprucing and teasing with my fingers to form a normal shape but that was useless. Looking out the window noticing no students in sight, I thought, not only do I have to walk in with this 80’s afro but I knew the teacher would make a spectacle out of me for being late.

As I entered the building and proceeded down the hall, I could hear the roaring sound of voices from my classmates, every step felt like torture. Before entering, I stood outside the classroom door and took the deepest shallow breath, with my hands sweating and trying to muster up enough courage, I walked into my homeroom class and the silence fell across the room. To my surprise, several faces had followed me from high school. One of them was my main bully, Andrea. As I felt the piercing eyes and heard the slight intimidating giggles, from what I could assume was because of my hair, my whole body felt like someone had set me on fire. I stood at the door trying to avoid all attempts at eye contact for what seemed like an eternity.

I felt the blush come across my face; in an instant, my body decided to move on its own accord, and without thinking I b-lined to the first seat near me.

The voices of the first-day chatter began again slowly but I could still feel eyes scanning my body. When I felt like I was no longer the center of attention, the bell rang and as everyone began to move to their next class Andrea approached me along with Tiara who was also a student from my middle school.

Andrea was around 5’4, brown-skinned with small squinty eyes covered by thick rectangle-framed glasses, she always had thin hair that she consistently wore in a low-hanging ponytail. She was from West Philly and wasn’t the type to be misconstrued with a nerd, her parents had her in boxing classes and her bark was just as big as her bite, so everyone wanted to be her friend in fear that she would hopefully not target them for a beatdown.

Tiana, on the other hand, was tall and linky with long black hair also from West Philly; she wore glasses but had the eyes of a baby dear and had a small round face. She never really said much but always seemed to be even-keeled and no one ever really knew much about her. Looking back I think she was the smartest one in the group because she got away just in time, but that’s a story for another time.

Surprisingly, Andrea was actually being nice, which was vastly different than the stone-cold volatile person she normally was.

In her attempt to make a friendly conversation, with a sympathetic tone, she said “Omg what happened to your hair girl. You know we have ID pictures today, let me help you girl”, Tiana nodded her head in agreeance; they both grabbed an arm and led me to the bathroom. I couldn’t help but think this was one of her ploys to get in front of people and embarrass me like she did the year before in middle school. After a few minutes of them both fluffing, teasing, and looking at each other in agreeance, they convinced me it looked better and I just went with it.

After we all took ID pictures and of course mine looked like someone who had gotten into a fight with a brush and a blow-dryer, we went to our next class.

As we all settled into our seats, incomes this boy…

He was the most interesting, cute guy I had ever laid eyes on. His name was Vince Chu. He was this lanky 5’10 Cambodian kid; he had medium brown skin, ear gauges, an afro, and a blonde hair patch wearing Vanz. He came in and plopped down next to me, completely ignoring me staring, and in a trance, he started talking to his friends it was like time slowed and I was watching his every move. with him completely ignoring my existence, I felt instantly, he was going to be my boyfriend one day.

As the school year went on, Vince and I talked to each other and eventually we became friends but nothing more than friends, yet. By the time summer vacation came Andrea and I were “best friends”, Vince and I were still just friends.

Before our last day of school dismissal, he sent me a friend request on Facebook and let me know he wanted to hang out over the summer break. Though I promised I would hang out with him, I knew I couldn’t. My dad was strict, and my summer vacation consisted of me staying home, reading, drawing; and essentially doing anything else in the house that would occupy my time.

During summer vacation he would send me messages on Facebook to see if could hang out, since I wasn’t allowed to have a phone, I wouldn’t see the messages until I got to my aunts’ computer once every few weeks in the summer.

The tenth-grade year rolled around, and we got back to school. I was more intentional with my outfit this year since I needed to impress Vince, looking back, I still looked a mess but I digress.

As I walked into my homeroom class, there he was. I now made it my mission to sit right next to him and make that my permanent seat. As the class started talking about what they did over the summer, he turned to me and inquired about why I didn’t hang out with him like I promised. I didn’t want to seem like a loser, so I lied and told him I was traveling with my family, but he didn’t buy it, but we both seemingly let me continue with my lie.

Months went on and the weird energy between Vince and me, because of my lie, had dissipated and we back to laughter and being silly, so much so that we both were forced to sit apart from each other. I grew to like him even more.

Now spring break had come and gone, and we were now all back in school, by this time Andrea and Tiana knew I liked him, and it was apparent to everyone else too.

One day, as our first period came to an end, we all sat around talking about our crushes, and of course, the conversation was started by Andrea who wanted me to fess up to my crush. Once the conversation got to me, I tensed up. Everyone is staring at me including Vince. I grabbed Vince’s arm and said proudly, “Vince is going to be my boyfriend one day”, immediately, the group playfully gasped followed by a few giggles while awaiting Vince’s counter-reaction. Vince snatched his arm away in disgust and said “Ew! No, I won’t” Now the laughter and gasps were directed toward me.

Heat engulfed my whole body, the heat from my embarrassment started from my feet and came crept up to my face. My ears were burning, my hands sweating and I felt nauseous. I hoped for a hole to open up under my seat and swallow me up. I had been rejected.

Immediately I blamed myself, I blamed myself for falling into that trap. The trap of social influence seemingly made me speak on silent feelings. The social trap that left me wide open for public humiliation. I spent the remainder of that day evaluating myself, evaluating my worth. Were my clothes the problem? was my hairstyle not as cute as I thought? Or just maybe he doesn’t like black girls. I never was able to come to a sold reason but where the humiliation was stored, months later rage began to cohabitate.

Months later the humiliation had gone and so had the rage, but, there was something still brewing in me, a plan, a plan that I had conjured up in my mind to be the solution to my problem. My problem of not being wanted. I had overheard a conversation in the girl’s bathroom about how guys don’t want you until someone else does and the lightbulb when off. The lightbulb in reference was more like the little devil that appeared on my shoulder and the little angel to balance it out never got the invitation. The little devil was now driving this plan and was determined to see this plan through.

My grandmother had convinced my dad, after watching a news program about teens and sexting, that if I had a computer or phone I would be doing the most ungodly things. So, my dad said “no” to any and everything that would allow me to contact the outside world except for the corded house phone that was heavily monitored.

This particular weekend had come, and my dad decided to take us to his new girlfriend’s house. To my delight, there was a computer, and with him being all coupled up and barely any supervision, my plan was now able to get off the ground. With the angst of a cyber hacker, I logged into my Facebook account and immediately went to Vince’s Facebook friends list.

I needed to find someone he was close friends with, someone who he would gasp at the idea of liking me, the person who he would seethe at the idea of ever being more than friends with me as he did.

After a few minutes of scrolling, I found him, I found the one who would be the main character in my new show. Seth Phean, Seth was Vinces’ close friend, they seemingly from their interactions, were something like best friends. Without a thought, I sent him a friend request.